just when i thought i was ready and motivated to my toes into the blogging stream once again i was led astray.
this time my muse did not go missing. i did not fall into a funk. my well did not run dry. no it was none of the usual excuses/rationalizations for not posting.
the cold hard truth is that my computer ate my homework.
i know, i know you are reading this shaking head, maybe chuckling to yourself. but that is what really happened.
it is sad to. i raised this pc from a pup. i bought all its parts and i built it myself. every card, every memory stick, every connection lovingly assembled by my own two hands.
we had some good years together to. chasing viruses and spyware. meeting new and interesting people from around the world. playing warcraft, solitaire, gin. blogging, writing poetry and stories. researching my ancestors.
good times. really good times.
and what thanks do i get. the computer turns around and bites me in the ass.
it started out so simply.
a little over a week ago i was cleaning the room where my computer is located. periodically when cleaning i will disconnect the cables, remove the cover from my computer and blow out the accumulated dust. i have done this a hundred and one times at least. and every time the pc has purred like a cat getting a belly rub when i reassemble it.
not this time.
nothing. not a sound. not a light. not a click. not a beep. not a whir. just stone cold silence.
i check all the connections.
everything appears to be good. i disconnect and reconnect the hard drive. this time there is a spark of life. the hard drive begins to whir than nothing.
i tried another hard drive: nothing.
i tried my hard drive in another computer: nothing.
i tried a hard drive from another computer that i know is good and there was a brief ray of hope. the boot up cycle began. it ran for a few moments and boom it began again.
all i know for sure at this point is that either my motherboard or my hard drive are bad. i am praying for the hard drive to be salvageable because as my nickname indicates i always find trouble and i have not backed up my hard drive in a long, long time.
i have a friend who is testing my hard drive for me. so time will tell what failed.
meanwhile it took me a week to build a new computer out of whatever pieces i could cobble together. so i can at least get back into blogger.
i have a linux boot disc that allows me to boot from the cd rom of my old computer and i was able to get online but any program that was large would not work since apparently only part of my motherboard was responding.
with that being said i should be back to posting on a fairly regular basis unless this mutt i am using now decides to also bite me on the ass.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Saturday, September 1, 2007
translucent boxer man
there are some visions that just are not meant for the human eye. i was exposed, and i do mean exposed, to one of those visions this evening.
i was roaming the back roads of my neighborhood, walking off the stress of the day. my mind was elsewhere or i might have been able to spare myself and prevent the permanent scarring my eyes no doubt suffered.
the roads run behind the townhouses where i live so each garage door faces the street. at that hour they were all closed except for the one at the end of the block. i thought nothing of it. usually someone is saying goodbye to company. a dinner guest, girlfriend, you get the picture. or they are like me and either leaving on a walk or returning from one.
boy was i wrong.
as i came even with the garage i happened to turn my head to the left and there he was in all his glory: translucent boxer man.
he was standing with his back to me (thank god for small favors) wearing nothing but white translucent boxers, rolled down socks and hiking boots. and this man was so pale he must have been a vampire or at least a model for the cover of some gothic vampire romance novel.
trust me it was not a pretty site.
and then just when i thought i was safe, things went from bad to worse, translucent boxer man turned to close his garage door and there reflected in the moonlight barely hidden by the boxers was his "package" for the world to see.
i scooted out of there as fast as my tired lungs could move me. i walked for a few minutes and came to a wall where i usually sit and catch my breath. it is located next to a post box for outgoing mail.
so i sit down, minding my own business and you guessed it. translucent boxer man pulls up in his car. he gets out of the car still in boxers and hiking boots and walks past me to the mailbox. he drops off his letters turns, gets back in his car and drives back to his house. which mind you was no more than two hundred feet from the mailbox.
if i did not already have insomnia the visions trapped in my skull of translucent boxer man would give it to me.
i think i am going to find some listerine to wash my eyes with.
i was roaming the back roads of my neighborhood, walking off the stress of the day. my mind was elsewhere or i might have been able to spare myself and prevent the permanent scarring my eyes no doubt suffered.
the roads run behind the townhouses where i live so each garage door faces the street. at that hour they were all closed except for the one at the end of the block. i thought nothing of it. usually someone is saying goodbye to company. a dinner guest, girlfriend, you get the picture. or they are like me and either leaving on a walk or returning from one.
boy was i wrong.
as i came even with the garage i happened to turn my head to the left and there he was in all his glory: translucent boxer man.
he was standing with his back to me (thank god for small favors) wearing nothing but white translucent boxers, rolled down socks and hiking boots. and this man was so pale he must have been a vampire or at least a model for the cover of some gothic vampire romance novel.
trust me it was not a pretty site.
and then just when i thought i was safe, things went from bad to worse, translucent boxer man turned to close his garage door and there reflected in the moonlight barely hidden by the boxers was his "package" for the world to see.
i scooted out of there as fast as my tired lungs could move me. i walked for a few minutes and came to a wall where i usually sit and catch my breath. it is located next to a post box for outgoing mail.
so i sit down, minding my own business and you guessed it. translucent boxer man pulls up in his car. he gets out of the car still in boxers and hiking boots and walks past me to the mailbox. he drops off his letters turns, gets back in his car and drives back to his house. which mind you was no more than two hundred feet from the mailbox.
if i did not already have insomnia the visions trapped in my skull of translucent boxer man would give it to me.
i think i am going to find some listerine to wash my eyes with.
Friday, August 31, 2007
insomnia
i am not much of a sleeper. never have been probably never will be. on average i sleep four hours a night. it used to bother me. i would toss and turn all night. stressing about the hour. stressing about the lack of sleep. heck i would even stress about stressing.
when my panic disorder kicked in i consulted with my psychiatrist and tried a variety of prescription sleeping aids. none of them worked. other people i know took them and slept like a log for 8 to 10 hours. me nothing. i might as well of been taking a placebo.
so i have come to accept my insomnia. we have accepted each other and while we are not exactly friends we have managed a truce.
instead of fretting i began to take late night walks.
instead of reading during the day i save my reading for late at night.
instead of watching television in prime time i have a dvr and i watch what i want when i want.
not a perfect way to spend the late night hours but it is much better than waking up tangled in the sheets from to much tossing and turning.
when my panic disorder kicked in i consulted with my psychiatrist and tried a variety of prescription sleeping aids. none of them worked. other people i know took them and slept like a log for 8 to 10 hours. me nothing. i might as well of been taking a placebo.
so i have come to accept my insomnia. we have accepted each other and while we are not exactly friends we have managed a truce.
instead of fretting i began to take late night walks.
instead of reading during the day i save my reading for late at night.
instead of watching television in prime time i have a dvr and i watch what i want when i want.
not a perfect way to spend the late night hours but it is much better than waking up tangled in the sheets from to much tossing and turning.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
anxiety, depression, bronchitis oh my
i have been dealing with severe anxiety and panic disorder since the summer of 1999. at first of course i had no clue as to what was wrong with me. one minute i was fine, the next my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest like the baby alien in the first alien movie. i couldn't breath my hands would tremble out of control and i was sure the specter of death was hovering nearby waiting to sweep me away. of course eventually it would pass.
the first severe attack i dealt with was especially scary as i was stuck in traffic and was sure i was having a heart attack. i managed to extricate myself from the metal snake and sneak into a grocery store parking lot. where i was fortunate enough or blessed enough to spot a nurse just off work who was still wearing her uniform.
i have never been good making cold introductions but the fear for my life overcame my social anxiety. when i explained my symptoms she told me that is was most likely a panic attack. my first thought was that anything like a heart attack. she said no and explained what a panic attack entailed. to be sure she checked my blood pressure which at that point was 190/130. she said to give it a few minutes and it would return to normal. she talked to me for a bit and lo and behold it returned to normal. that is until she walked away than the cycle began all over again. i ended up doing her shopping with her and found she lived near me and she volunteered to follow me home in case i had another attack on the road. she also advised following up with a doctor if the attacks continued.
which they have. i have tried several of the name brand medicines out there. some worked for a while but none have held long term answers. and the side effects are not alway good. with paxil i put on about 30 pounds. with others there was insomnia which is not good in my case because i already do not sleep enough so with some of the meds i would be up all night.
currently i am on cymbalta with a xanex chaser. everything seems to be status quo at the moment but ask me in five minutes and it might be a different story.
one of the things i have learned during this journey is that anxiety and depression originate in the same part of the brain. a lot of the meds for anxiety were originally developed for depression. in my case most of the depression meds work for the depression but do not touch the anxiety. hence the xanex chaser.
and of course at the time i never really thought of myself as a depressed person.
in 2003 i came down with a severe case of bronchitis. i have had bronchitis off and on since i was a teenager so i thought nothing of it. this time was different though it has never really gone away.
since 2003 i have pneumonia at least five times. reoccurring bronchitis on numerous occasions, and various other respiratory disorders. i have seen every type of specialist. i spent a week at the mayo clinic in arizona last summer being poked and prodded. yet no one has been able to come up with a root cause or solution.
part of the problem is that most breathing disorders are treated with high doses of steroids. not good in my case as anxiety and steroids do not play well together. so i am always walking a tightrope between the need to breathe and avoiding anxiety.
still i would hope that someone somewhere would have come up with an overall diagnosis. the best they can tell me is that the smog in the land of trouble and exposure to second hand smoke may have damaged my lungs. i do know that i feel better when i am away from the smog so maybe if i move from the land of trouble my lungs will improve on their own. but that is a whole other story.
because of the respiratory problems i have been on disability since 2003. which does not help with the depression side of things. it is a vicious circle i never wake up know which part of me is going to rebel from day to day the mind or the lungs. the longer i have been ill the more depression has crept into my psyche. i am controlling it with meds but they tend to leave your emotions in shackles and at times i feel more robotic than human.
one of the reasons i originally began blogging was for self help, i thought writing would help reduce the stress and or depression. that is also one of the big reasons i am beginning again. trying to clear my head and my lungs.
i can only hope that somewhere out there is a nugget of truth waiting for me to discover it and begin the long slow journey of reclaiming my life. that is as long is the nugget is not to big and i end up stubbing my toe on it.
the first severe attack i dealt with was especially scary as i was stuck in traffic and was sure i was having a heart attack. i managed to extricate myself from the metal snake and sneak into a grocery store parking lot. where i was fortunate enough or blessed enough to spot a nurse just off work who was still wearing her uniform.
i have never been good making cold introductions but the fear for my life overcame my social anxiety. when i explained my symptoms she told me that is was most likely a panic attack. my first thought was that anything like a heart attack. she said no and explained what a panic attack entailed. to be sure she checked my blood pressure which at that point was 190/130. she said to give it a few minutes and it would return to normal. she talked to me for a bit and lo and behold it returned to normal. that is until she walked away than the cycle began all over again. i ended up doing her shopping with her and found she lived near me and she volunteered to follow me home in case i had another attack on the road. she also advised following up with a doctor if the attacks continued.
which they have. i have tried several of the name brand medicines out there. some worked for a while but none have held long term answers. and the side effects are not alway good. with paxil i put on about 30 pounds. with others there was insomnia which is not good in my case because i already do not sleep enough so with some of the meds i would be up all night.
currently i am on cymbalta with a xanex chaser. everything seems to be status quo at the moment but ask me in five minutes and it might be a different story.
one of the things i have learned during this journey is that anxiety and depression originate in the same part of the brain. a lot of the meds for anxiety were originally developed for depression. in my case most of the depression meds work for the depression but do not touch the anxiety. hence the xanex chaser.
and of course at the time i never really thought of myself as a depressed person.
in 2003 i came down with a severe case of bronchitis. i have had bronchitis off and on since i was a teenager so i thought nothing of it. this time was different though it has never really gone away.
since 2003 i have pneumonia at least five times. reoccurring bronchitis on numerous occasions, and various other respiratory disorders. i have seen every type of specialist. i spent a week at the mayo clinic in arizona last summer being poked and prodded. yet no one has been able to come up with a root cause or solution.
part of the problem is that most breathing disorders are treated with high doses of steroids. not good in my case as anxiety and steroids do not play well together. so i am always walking a tightrope between the need to breathe and avoiding anxiety.
still i would hope that someone somewhere would have come up with an overall diagnosis. the best they can tell me is that the smog in the land of trouble and exposure to second hand smoke may have damaged my lungs. i do know that i feel better when i am away from the smog so maybe if i move from the land of trouble my lungs will improve on their own. but that is a whole other story.
because of the respiratory problems i have been on disability since 2003. which does not help with the depression side of things. it is a vicious circle i never wake up know which part of me is going to rebel from day to day the mind or the lungs. the longer i have been ill the more depression has crept into my psyche. i am controlling it with meds but they tend to leave your emotions in shackles and at times i feel more robotic than human.
one of the reasons i originally began blogging was for self help, i thought writing would help reduce the stress and or depression. that is also one of the big reasons i am beginning again. trying to clear my head and my lungs.
i can only hope that somewhere out there is a nugget of truth waiting for me to discover it and begin the long slow journey of reclaiming my life. that is as long is the nugget is not to big and i end up stubbing my toe on it.
mystery
shrouded in moonlight
i see you
i see me
etched in shadows
black and white actors
lost in a world of color
fireflies provide the lighting
crickets provide the score
our lines forgotten
each of us
drowning
in the others tears
mourning what could have been
dreaming of what might yet be
a friendly hug
becomes a stolen kiss
warm lips
gently meet
once, twice
never to be forgotten
i see you
i see me
etched in shadows
black and white actors
lost in a world of color
fireflies provide the lighting
crickets provide the score
our lines forgotten
each of us
drowning
in the others tears
mourning what could have been
dreaming of what might yet be
a friendly hug
becomes a stolen kiss
warm lips
gently meet
once, twice
never to be forgotten
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
once a blogger.....
for close to four years i have been blogging. that is i was blogging until this past january when for many reasons my passion for blogging seemed to fade into the ether of writers block.
a lot has happened this year and for reasons that will no doubt eventually become obvious i chose to retire my previous blog and begin anew. where as my previous blog had my real world name attached this one will remain anonymous. except to maybe old readers who figure out where i used to hang my hat. if you are one of those readers please respect my privacy and do not use my real name in this space.
a while back a someone very close to me told me "you are nothing but trouble and i mean that in the very best of ways." since that time trouble has been my nickname whenever we speak. when searching for a pseudonym to publish under i figured what would be better than trouble since i always seem to find myself in it.
two cents and a pound of trouble will no doubt be all over the map. personal stories with the names changed to protect not only the innocent but most especially the guilty, poetry, basically a potpourri of the written word.
a lot has happened this year and for reasons that will no doubt eventually become obvious i chose to retire my previous blog and begin anew. where as my previous blog had my real world name attached this one will remain anonymous. except to maybe old readers who figure out where i used to hang my hat. if you are one of those readers please respect my privacy and do not use my real name in this space.
a while back a someone very close to me told me "you are nothing but trouble and i mean that in the very best of ways." since that time trouble has been my nickname whenever we speak. when searching for a pseudonym to publish under i figured what would be better than trouble since i always seem to find myself in it.
two cents and a pound of trouble will no doubt be all over the map. personal stories with the names changed to protect not only the innocent but most especially the guilty, poetry, basically a potpourri of the written word.
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