insomnia

i am not much of a sleeper. never have been probably never will be. on average i sleep four hours a night. it used to bother me. i would toss and turn all night. stressing about the hour. stressing about the lack of sleep. heck i would even stress about stressing.

when my panic disorder kicked in i consulted with my psychiatrist and tried a variety of prescription sleeping aids. none of them worked. other people i know took them and slept like a log for 8 to 10 hours. me nothing. i might as well of been taking a placebo.

so i have come to accept my insomnia. we have accepted each other and while we are not exactly friends we have managed a truce.

instead of fretting i began to take late night walks.

instead of reading during the day i save my reading for late at night.

instead of watching television in prime time i have a dvr and i watch what i want when i want.

not a perfect way to spend the late night hours but it is much better than waking up tangled in the sheets from to much tossing and turning.

anxiety, depression, bronchitis oh my

i have been dealing with severe anxiety and panic disorder since the summer of 1999. at first of course i had no clue as to what was wrong with me. one minute i was fine, the next my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest like the baby alien in the first alien movie. i couldn't breath my hands would tremble out of control and i was sure the specter of death was hovering nearby waiting to sweep me away. of course eventually it would pass.

the first severe attack i dealt with was especially scary as i was stuck in traffic and was sure i was having a heart attack. i managed to extricate myself from the metal snake and sneak into a grocery store parking lot. where i was fortunate enough or blessed enough to spot a nurse just off work who was still wearing her uniform.

i have never been good making cold introductions but the fear for my life overcame my social anxiety. when i explained my symptoms she told me that is was most likely a panic attack. my first thought was that anything like a heart attack. she said no and explained what a panic attack entailed. to be sure she checked my blood pressure which at that point was 190/130. she said to give it a few minutes and it would return to normal. she talked to me for a bit and lo and behold it returned to normal. that is until she walked away than the cycle began all over again. i ended up doing her shopping with her and found she lived near me and she volunteered to follow me home in case i had another attack on the road. she also advised following up with a doctor if the attacks continued.

which they have. i have tried several of the name brand medicines out there. some worked for a while but none have held long term answers. and the side effects are not alway good. with paxil i put on about 30 pounds. with others there was insomnia which is not good in my case because i already do not sleep enough so with some of the meds i would be up all night.

currently i am on cymbalta with a xanex chaser. everything seems to be status quo at the moment but ask me in five minutes and it might be a different story.

one of the things i have learned during this journey is that anxiety and depression originate in the same part of the brain. a lot of the meds for anxiety were originally developed for depression. in my case most of the depression meds work for the depression but do not touch the anxiety. hence the xanex chaser.

and of course at the time i never really thought of myself as a depressed person.

in 2003 i came down with a severe case of bronchitis. i have had bronchitis off and on since i was a teenager so i thought nothing of it. this time was different though it has never really gone away.

since 2003 i have pneumonia at least five times. reoccurring bronchitis on numerous occasions, and various other respiratory disorders. i have seen every type of specialist. i spent a week at the mayo clinic in arizona last summer being poked and prodded. yet no one has been able to come up with a root cause or solution.

part of the problem is that most breathing disorders are treated with high doses of steroids. not good in my case as anxiety and steroids do not play well together. so i am always walking a tightrope between the need to breathe and avoiding anxiety.

still i would hope that someone somewhere would have come up with an overall diagnosis. the best they can tell me is that the smog in the land of trouble and exposure to second hand smoke may have damaged my lungs. i do know that i feel better when i am away from the smog so maybe if i move from the land of trouble my lungs will improve on their own. but that is a whole other story.

because of the respiratory problems i have been on disability since 2003. which does not help with the depression side of things. it is a vicious circle i never wake up know which part of me is going to rebel from day to day the mind or the lungs. the longer i have been ill the more depression has crept into my psyche. i am controlling it with meds but they tend to leave your emotions in shackles and at times i feel more robotic than human.

one of the reasons i originally began blogging was for self help, i thought writing would help reduce the stress and or depression. that is also one of the big reasons i am beginning again. trying to clear my head and my lungs.

i can only hope that somewhere out there is a nugget of truth waiting for me to discover it and begin the long slow journey of reclaiming my life. that is as long is the nugget is not to big and i end up stubbing my toe on it.

mystery

shrouded in moonlight
i see you
i see me
etched in shadows
black and white actors
lost in a world of color
fireflies provide the lighting
crickets provide the score
our lines forgotten
each of us
drowning
in the others tears
mourning what could have been
dreaming of what might yet be
a friendly hug
becomes a stolen kiss
warm lips
gently meet
once, twice
never to be forgotten

once a blogger.....

for close to four years i have been blogging. that is i was blogging until this past january when for many reasons my passion for blogging seemed to fade into the ether of writers block.

a lot has happened this year and for reasons that will no doubt eventually become obvious i chose to retire my previous blog and begin anew. where as my previous blog had my real world name attached this one will remain anonymous. except to maybe old readers who figure out where i used to hang my hat. if you are one of those readers please respect my privacy and do not use my real name in this space.

a while back a someone very close to me told me "you are nothing but trouble and i mean that in the very best of ways." since that time trouble has been my nickname whenever we speak. when searching for a pseudonym to publish under i figured what would be better than trouble since i always seem to find myself in it.

two cents and a pound of trouble will no doubt be all over the map. personal stories with the names changed to protect not only the innocent but most especially the guilty, poetry, basically a potpourri of the written word.